Bismillahirrahmaanirraheem...
In the name of God, the Giver of Mercy, the Most Beneficient....
Alhamdulillah...I've just finished classes for my second semester in grad school. T'was real hard, I mean 6 courses in a semester was a cray idea.
Anyhow, just now, I called Mak out of the blue because i) Homesick, and ii)Miss home like GodKnowsWhat. When I gave salaam to Mak, she said, "Oh, I was just thinking about you just now". And that gets me really really touched and somewhat sad(?), because Mak is always thinking about her children.
Which leads to the love post.
If anything is pure is this world, it's the love between parents & children. The unconditional love that no one -except for God- can give you. I think to love someone unconditionally is terribly hard, because it needs you to be patient, and to keep loving the other person with all your heart with his/her flaws as well as strengths. To love is to deeply care, to long for presence, to risk being hurt, and have patience, and to keep loving all the same. Which are what our mothers have been doing. Despite our flaws as their children, their love is always, always there for us.
To have a mother's love, it's really amazing and a blessing from God. A sign of His mercy that sometimes our stubbornness will overlook when we're in ingratitude.
From the journey I had to Perth with Ami (le soulmate), I had one of those moments where I felt the negativity inside me bubbling up, the whispers of Shaytan. But upon realizing that, I tried as might to keep remembering all the good things I treasure about her as her friend, because truthfully she's always there for me with her golden heart & the bond we have is something invaluable for me till the rest of my life. Even when we fall out for a while, we picked up with the continuous reaching out, and I am really thankful for having a friend like her. And I guess, that's when I know there is such thing as loving someone despite their flaws.
I realize in life that, for me, who's terribly complex, and socially awkward introvert, I really treasure those few I have in my life (my parents, my sibs, my INTI friends -only around 10 of them-, my housemates back in Columbus, the friend I often went to MSA with, Nick, Becca and Brent (whom I've bonded over Arabic sessions), my ex-mutarabbiah Vandy juniors, and of course, that one girl who's struggling with me in many ways in life, in Marquette).
If I were to marry, or to die (either one that comes first), I appreciate these people's presence. To pray for me, in a closed ceremony. Just them knowing about me gives me enough peace. Just knowing that if anyone from them will die before me, would set me into alert! Just these selected fews whom I really treasure in life.
After almost 25 years of living, I don't know if I'm becoming wiser, but life has taught me about loads of things. Things that matter, people that I want to keep in life, people who I've known I've lost over the years -even when we tried to patch things up, but honestly, it didn't work out the way we wanted it to be, right?-, and above all, it will teach you secrets about yourself and God. That's what life is, it will teach you to grow up from your past to becoming the present and future you. Which reminds me, I want to grow up being forgiving & kind (above all). I want to be a 60-year old (if I lived long enough) with that kind of heart.
Also, life teaches us that we, humans always long for something. We crave presence, attention, care, and things that sometimes are unknown to us. Almost like our longing to be somewhere that will give eternal peace in our heart i.e., the Paradise. These very few days, I had a lingering feeling of longing to be at the last CASIS's Saturday Night lecture that I didn't get to join. It perplexed me, because it felt like I had missed something monumental in my life. Yet when I think about it, it's very humbling to have this feeling of longing, because it reminds us that we're after all just human. Humans who needs constant reassurance from God, that He will be the One who will satisfy our longings. We yearn for His presence, in our life, after all.
Ya Allah, please make me amongst those who will always, always love my parents and You. And let not this love and longing make me forget about the abundance of goodness in akhirah. A better ending....
Postscript : I'm glad not everyone I know is reading my blog, so let this be a testament, and a reminder to my older self. inshaAllah
