It's Time

to be honest.

Honestly, I didn't want to write this, but my hands are typing. Hence, I wrote anyways.

*BIG PATS ON THE BACK*

These past few days, I've been thinking lots.

And that means, I tried staying away from good amounts of people.

I know, I am that weird girl with this personality that I always need some time alone in a month for personal reflection.

Usrah hasn't been going on for few weeks already in this gersang city, and I am feeling out of touch.

Seriously, I never felt there's any improvement since I landed my feet in Malaysia. Well, except for the time I was in Seremban.

And truth is; Fikrah makin mencair.

Frustrated, yeah. Definitely.

Seriously feels like crying sometimes, because I think I am of those people who are "tertapis".

Tried to justify things, and be an optimist. But the pessimism is just overbearing sometimes...

And tried telling the stories to few people, but they all seemed not to get it because I'm the one with complicated psychology, who doesn't want them to understand either.

Or maybe this is one of the perks of being an introvert.

So, itsokay...

So, back to the basic. Go back and talk to Allah.

Or let Him talk to you through His ayaat.

Salah satu nikmat jadi seorang Muslim, is that you'll find consolations from Allah through a lot of different ways. Sungguh lazat nikmat ini terasa...

And one of them is, reading through and through, tadabbur-ing my favorite surah in the Quran, surah An-Noor.

Its just, from its name, the surah always...always give me lights back...to Him.

"Okay, we are turning to Suratul-Nur, the thirty-fifth ayat....sadaq'Allahul azeem. Now brothers, this is called the Ayat of Nur, or Light. Scholars throughout the centuries have tried to find the correct interpretation, but the true meaning is known to Allah subhanahu wa ta'Ala and nobody else except He wills. Brother Yusef, would you like to read the English interpretation?"

"Aodhu billahi mina shaytani rajeem," I said quickly under my breath, "bismillahi rahmanir raheem."

"Allah is the Light of the heavens and the earth. The parable of his Light is as if there were a niche and in it a lamp, the lamp enclosed in glass.The glass as it were a brilliant star lit from a blessed tree; an olive, neither of East nor West, whose oil would almost glow forth though no fire had touched it. Light upon light! Allah guides to His Light whom He wills and Allah sets forth parables for man, and Allah knows all things."

'Jazakullah khair," said Umar. "Now brothers, first we need to note that Allah subhanahu wa ta'Ala tells us that this is a parable, so that is how we need to look at it. Allah subhanahu wa ta'Ala is the Light of the heavens and the earth. Light is the warmth, warmth is life. In the pre-Islamic days, people used to think the sun was Allah subahanahu wa ta'Ala because when the sun seemed to make them warm and cause their crops to grow.But in reality, Allah subhanahu wa ta'Ala is the real Light because without Allah subhanahu wa ta'Ala there is no sun. And though we think the sun is this great big thing, so many millions of times larger than our own earth, it is smaller than other stars and its light and warmth extends to only a tiny corner of a tiny corner of even this galaxy. But you see, Allah subhanahu wa ta'Ala's Light is everywhere, throughout the universe."

        "Now Allah subhanahu wa ta'Ala's Light is like a lamp inside a niche. Brothers, in the olden days people would build a niche in their wall and place the light in that niche, and they would build the niche high so the light could shine throughout the room. The niche is made especially for this Light; and the glass, you know, it reflects the Light, the Light shines through it; so if Allah is the Light, all these devices through which He shines are the creation, the created universe. Just as you can look to the stars and feel rushes of iman come over you, or look at the ocean and tremble with appreciation of Allah subhanahu wa ta'Ala's Will, or look at the animals or even at your own bodies-your internal processes, your fingerprints, your eyes, your brain, your skin, our reproductive systems, the development of fetus in the womb-these are all Allah's Light shining through His created things.

        "And the glass, it says, is like a brilliant star lit from a blessed tree neither East nor West. If something is only in the East, it is cold and dark when the sun is shining upon the West. And vice versa. But this tree is neither East nor West, it is never cold and dark. It receives Allah's Light all the time."

        Umar closed his Qur'an, cupped his hands and led us gently in a lengthy du'a. then we rubbed our hands down our faces and got up.

It's definitely o-kay, if people doesn't need me anymore, or can't handle me anymore, but Allah...

He's the One who will always be there, to lift me up and pat me on the back, whispering, "La tahzan, inni ma'aki" :')

Another is, reading the Mathurat Kubra.

Whenever I read it, there's always this gush of feeling, lepas habis baca mathurat kubra, taktahu kenapa mesti ada rasa kelazatan yang tak tahu nak cerita macamana dekat orang lain...

The heart felt very consoled after reading it.

Allah, it's definitely okay if people do not understand me,

But as long as You understand and accept me, that should be more than enough.

Really. Really.

Aku nak jadi dai'e yang betul betul berjiwa hamba.